


Smashing Glass

by ballym



Series: Overthinking [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ballum Secret Valentine (EastEnders), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 10:51:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23710330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballym/pseuds/ballym
Summary: This was written for mitchellandhighway as part of the ballum secret valentine! Just a little bit of rambling, angsty prose.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Overthinking [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1707658
Kudos: 33





	Smashing Glass

‘You ain’t a bad person.’

Callum feels like he lied. Or that he might have done, at least. Ben is a stranger; emotionally disconnected from the world. Callum found it hard to shut his mouth. Once he’d opened it the first time, he told Ben everything; the hiding under a duvet whilst his parents shouted downstairs. The way smashing glass still haunted his dreams. How he would sneak glances at his brother when he wasn’t looking, counting bruises. Or teeth. That pull he’d had in his heart every time he tiptoed downstairs to find Jonno passed out on the floor. The way he felt, having to decide each morning, whether it would be better to hate himself at school or hate himself at home.

He told Ben about his first crush, and the pain he’d inflicted on himself because of it. His first experience having a friend show him porn at a sleepover. The not liking it. Or being confused, at the very least; he still wasn’t sure. It had been Jonno who first suggested Cadets. Stuart encouraged it. They thought he was too soft. The bullying at school meant he flunked his classes, the army seemed an easy option. It was a place to live away from his family, after all. He hesitated, telling Ben about Chris. About the way he felt walking back to his bunk after their late-night chats. He told Ben about the time he’d been woken up by a bucket of water; his squadron mates laughing about his hard-on. His moaning. He never told them it was over Chris. He’d be humiliated.

He talked about arriving in Walford the first time. He watched Ben’s face change when he told him he’d shot Mick. His first shift. More smashed glass. He thought maybe he was becoming quite fond of it, it had its uses, after all. The topic of Whitney came up then. His best friend’s ex-lover, ex-wife, even. How she liked him. He wanted to like her. He did like her. He told Ben about going back on tour. The explosions. About the children. And the mother. How he didn’t understand a word she was saying and how all he could think about, as his side was being torn into, was how soft he was. How everything was because he wasn’t a proper Highway boy.

He cried when he told Ben about why he stopped wanting to wear bright colours after that. How he didn’t want people to single him out. He didn’t want anyone to think anything about him. He didn’t even want to be seen. The worst bit about it all was that people started liking him more. He told Ben that Whitney said, during a toast, that she wanted him to be the best version of himself. He just wanted to smash the glass tight into his hand.

Ben knew everything about him, he was sure. How many sugars in his coffee; two. How many sugars in his tea; none. His side of the bed, his nighttime routine, the shows he recorded, his favourite shape of pasta, the reason he hoovered on Wednesdays and the way he tied his laces. Ben knew, by the pitch of his sigh, what Callum was going to order at the bar. Callum believed he was no hero, but he was certain that, if asked, Ben would say that yes, factually, Callum ain’t a bad person.

Factually, Callum didn’t really know anything about Ben. He knew about Paul. He knew a few things about Heather. Callum asked one day, out of curiosity, where George was. He shouldn’t have done, in fairness, he was sticking his nose in. It made Ben cry. He knew, from pushing, that the little oval marks on Ben’s forearms were from one of Ben’s stepmothers, though he got the impression some were formed much later. Kathy told Callum about the meningitis, though he wasn’t sure how relevant that was to his today-Ben. He had heard a few things about the blackmailing. And Kathy’s disappearance, and, from the Carter’s largely, the ‘Branning Baby’ situation, as Shirley so tactfully put it. It had been a shock when Callum found out Johnny was gay. It was more of a shock when he found out he’d slept with Ben. That made Callum feel a bit weird actually, but he hadn’t dared to mention it.

He didn’t really know why Ben was the way he was. He promised people, time and time again, that there was more to Ben than meets the eye. The problem with this is that even him, even Callum, had only seen one side of Ben. It just so happened it was a side that maybe only four other people knew about. Callum didn’t know the bad bits. He didn’t know what Ben did in the shadows and why, when Callum had spent his whole life trying to do the good thing, Ben was so flippant about breaking the law. Callum thought that maybe he’d told a lie when he said to Ben that he ‘ain’t a bad person’. But he really wanted to find out more. He wanted, for his own sake, to find out whether he’d really still love him. Whether it was possible for him to love a bad person.

‘I can see your mind ticking, you know?’ Ben said. He was reading the comics on the back page of the newspaper, having already finished the Sudoku. Callum was a little annoyed Ben had done it in pen, given that Callum could see a glaring mistake he’d made that cocked up the whole thing, but he wouldn’t say anything.

‘Did your dad beat you?’ Callum asks.

‘Blimey, Cal, it’s a bit early for all this, don’t you think?’ Ben still doesn’t really look up, though Callum doesn’t blame him, given he has his glasses on. ‘My dad was an alcoholic.’

‘Yeah but so was Jonno. He never hit me.’

‘He hit Stuart.’ Ben does look up at this point, and he’s frowning. It takes Callum a moment to realise he’s frowning too. ‘Look babe, what’s brought this on, ‘cos it’s not exactly pillow talk, is it?’

‘I don’t want to sound stupid.’

‘You know I won’t care if you do,’

‘Jonno hit Stuart. And I know he’s my brother, but he went off the rails. Shot himself. Did that stuff to Tina. He’s a bit of a psycho sometimes.’

‘Okay?’

‘Well Jonno never hit me, did he?’ Callum doesn’t want Ben to lash out. ‘And I think I’m a decent person. I’ve done some bad shit, you know? But I’m good.’

Ben doesn’t lash out, he just breathes deeply, the way that makes his nostrils flare. ‘So you’re trying to work out whether my dad hit me, to correspond with whether I’m a psychopath or not?’ His bottom lip wobbles for a millisecond, But Callum notices. ‘Yeah.’ He says, ‘Yeah. He hit me sometimes.’

And that’s the moment Callum feels stupid. Because he realises it really doesn’t matter either way. Ben moves to put the newspaper on the bedside table, and accidentally knocks his water. The glass teeters on the edge, before smashing.


End file.
